Saturday, February 5, 2011

Hey Hey Little Razorblade

I was warm, you know...the type of warm that begins to suffocate.
It begins with hiding in the coat room and then realizing that hiding in the coat room is a great idea if that person doesn't have a coat, but I assure you, they will always have a coat.

So you see them laugh, and look happy, and you think to yourself,
"Don't ruin this for them, get what you need and get out.
Don't ruin this for them. Don't ruin this for him."

So you dodge, and start to think about how the scarf around your neck is too tight.
And you remember it was a gift from the very person you were running from in the first place.
And this is the point, when the room starts to spin, so you pick up your feet at a fast enough pace to carry you to the floor above where you collapse on the stairs and try catching some of the cool air coming from the window.

And then you hear a noise, and you turn around startled to again see the person you were trying to avoid. And you whisper an apology, and you curse yourself for not seeing this coming.
The conversation is fast.
You apologize around four or five times for things that normal people don't apologize for.

And then you see something, it resembles fear, or sadness, or a mixture of the two.

And you do the only thing you can thing to do.
You ask for a hug.
An embrace, something to close the space, realistically and metaphorically.
But in reality you just get looked at weird, so instead of taking a no, or the questioning look for an answer
You do it anyway.
You hug.
You hold your tears.
You rub the scars beginning to form underneath your sleeve that this person has yet to know about.

And then you let go.

The conversation comes back to two weeks, and you swore that it was already over, but then again you had never really been that good with numbers anyway.

And you breath, something like relief, something like apprehension.

And you bid a farewell.
That is close to hello, and very far from a goodbye.

Laced with apprehension, tension, sadness, and the crowd in the background singing the catchiest song of the moment.

and you turn around, and find your coat, back in the coat room where you had so recently hid.
And you pick up your things and you leave.

And even though you said your goodbyes,
you make the decision that it will not really be a goodbye after all.

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