beginner's terranese

Through Winters Advancing

2011-06-10T07:36:00.000-07:00

We'll stay young, go dancing.

go check out the other blog under my google email.

It's basically a play by play of costa tica.

http://throwawaycamera.blogspot.com/

Riddle me this...

2011-04-27T12:43:00.000-07:00

Studying for sociology I came upon this little jem...

“Life is, in fact, a battle. Evil is insolent and strong; beauty enchanting but rare; goodness very apt to be weak; folly very apt to be defiant; wickedness to carry the day; imbeciles to be in great places, people of sense in small, and mankind generally unhappy. But the world as it stands is no narrow illusion, no phantasm, no evil dream of night; we wake up to it again forever and ever; and we can neither forget it nor deny it nor dispense with it” - Henry James

Here's for blogs before Costa Rica.

She said to me, "Are you sure you want to be inside, at the library, studying all day during the Summer when everyone will be outside and enjoying the weather."

The thing is, I would rather have my face in a book, lying on a towel, studying for econ in the Diag than I would get high, and waste my day.

-me

Back with happy Mondays, Sleeping in on Sundays

2011-03-22T12:06:00.000-07:00

I can see this take place already,

me tracing my coffee cup with the tips of my fingers and you,

you pulling questions and answers from the limitless thoughts

that seem to occur in your head.

Let's go back and forth

answer each other's questions

and get to know where we are coming from

and where we are going.

eleven minutes left on the Panera clock.

2011-03-22T12:05:00.000-07:00

You’re funny, you know.

In the way that you speak, and the way that you move.

Carelessly, clumsily, yet with a sense that you know exactly what you are doing.

Your words: Biting and definitive, yet fluid and transient.

My darling you are a paradox.

I would love for you to be

[my paradox].

Dearest Sobrino,

2011-02-21T09:16:00.000-08:00

Lo siento por nunca visitando tu.

You could never fully understand that sorrow that I feel at this time for leaving you in Muskegon to pursue an education. I miss you everyday more and more and I cry at night thinking about how you do not know me and I do not know the person you are becoming.

Darling,

You are my heart.

I carry you in my heart.

There are very few people in the world that will love you as unconditionally as I.

If you decide that you want to play an instrument, I'll get you lessons.

If you decide you want to skateboard, i'll buy you knee pads.

If you want to learn, I will get you education.

You are everything.

You will never be nothing.

Sincerely,

Unconditional love.

Sorrow Drips into Your Heart Through a Pinhole

2011-02-17T10:19:00.000-08:00

Just like a faucet that leaks, there is comfort in the sound.

I'm sleepy,

but I have meetings and laundry and homework and blahblahblah

and if you go on another rant about the social system and how it's fucked up

I will hang my self with my Ipod charger

#nolie

The only emotion

2011-02-12T12:09:00.001-08:00

I don't have almost absolute control over whether or not other people see it

is jealousy.

Hey Hey Little Razorblade

2011-02-05T18:54:00.001-08:00

I was warm, you know...the type of warm that begins to suffocate.
It begins with hiding in the coat room and then realizing that hiding in the coat room is a great idea if that person doesn't have a coat, but I assure you, they will always have a coat.

So you see them laugh, and look happy, and you think to yourself,
"Don't ruin this for them, get what you need and get out.
Don't ruin this for them. Don't ruin this for him."

So you dodge, and start to think about how the scarf around your neck is too tight.
And you remember it was a gift from the very person you were running from in the first place.
And this is the point, when the room starts to spin, so you pick up your feet at a fast enough pace to carry you to the floor above where you collapse on the stairs and try catching some of the cool air coming from the window.

And then you hear a noise, and you turn around startled to again see the person you were trying to avoid. And you whisper an apology, and you curse yourself for not seeing this coming.
The conversation is fast.
You apologize around four or five times for things that normal people don't apologize for.

And then you see something, it resembles fear, or sadness, or a mixture of the two.

And you do the only thing you can thing to do.
You ask for a hug.
An embrace, something to close the space, realistically and metaphorically.
But in reality you just get looked at weird, so instead of taking a no, or the questioning look for an answer
You do it anyway.
You hug.
You hold your tears.
You rub the scars beginning to form underneath your sleeve that this person has yet to know about.

And then you let go.

The conversation comes back to two weeks, and you swore that it was already over, but then again you had never really been that good with numbers anyway.

And you breath, something like relief, something like apprehension.

And you bid a farewell.
That is close to hello, and very far from a goodbye.

Laced with apprehension, tension, sadness, and the crowd in the background singing the catchiest song of the moment.

and you turn around, and find your coat, back in the coat room where you had so recently hid.
And you pick up your things and you leave.

And even though you said your goodbyes,
you make the decision that it will not really be a goodbye after all.

I'll be exhausted so I'll probably sleep

2011-01-24T17:57:00.000-08:00

to apa ethical guidelines

to the never ending stream of homework that keeps coming from ctools

to finding a feature photo before the weekend

to quitting something kind of...

to long conversations in singles in alice lloyd

and planning my next late night rendezvous.

Do you remember how we met?

2011-01-16T09:12:00.001-08:00

Silhouetted by the lights.

You were drunk and tried to take a mental picture with your hands.

There will always be so many things I do not say,

but one day I will meet someone who I will want to explain all my "neverminds" and "it doesn't matters" to.

Until that day.

with grace in your heart and

2011-01-04T08:53:00.001-08:00

flowers in your hair.

new years resolution

- care less about what other people think.

give her your heart

your heart

If the snow ceases to fall

2010-12-23T11:35:00.000-08:00

This is a shot from my muskegon photo tour.

If you come out I will probably still end up kissing you, because you are a gorgeous work of art.

liz: Terra, apply to Spain.

me: but I have to facebook/twitter/todolist/shop

liz: Terra, apply to Spain.

maybe.

2010-12-19T21:35:00.001-08:00

We can't all be you.

We can't all feel the same things.

Chanel-ing Chanel.

-showering (minimally)

-Changing clothes.

(equally as minimal)

the window is open

2010-12-12T12:39:00.000-08:00

and there is snow blowing in.

and i'm only a little cold.

this walk to the daily is going to be treacherous.

Treacherous.

three languages

2010-12-11T15:10:00.000-08:00

Je pense que mon coeur vient de s'arrêterYo creo mi corazón ha dejado de

I believe,my heart has just stopped.

Google Translate.

2010-12-11T12:59:00.000-08:00

has nothing on this.

Porque la vida son instantes,
que se cruzan en el tiempo,
la locura mas brillante puede estar ocurriendo,

Because life are instants crossing time

the crazy and most brilliant thing might be occurring now.

I gotta fly once, I gotta try once, Only can die once, right, sir?

2010-12-10T13:53:00.000-08:00

I should not be in college right now.

We bought some wine and some paper cups

2010-12-08T18:52:00.000-08:00

near your daughter's school and we picked her up.

My 8-10 page deadline is tormenting me and I would rather be posting on blogs and listening to death cab and making a playlist simply called Exams. It's freezing outside and I have a fear that an addiction to cigarettes could easily be produced by such cold --- weather, feelings, and thoughts.

When people ask me about how my exams are doing, I'm not lying when I say I only have two exams. It's just that the rest of them are papers, that I just keep putting off and running in circles with, so I guess it's about time to reflect on the first real semester of my freshmen year.

The fireman worked in double shifts

with prayers for rain on their lips.

To the linguistics exam I have in one hour

2010-12-08T08:03:00.000-08:00

and Kgutow not being at PWF yet.

to my ears almost always being cold,

and contemplating asking to shadow for the b-side.

to not having my facebook password

and avoiding at all costs anything that has to do with home.

to the three papers I have to write

and exams.

Hot chocolate and the poke hat.

To dating for marriage and for no other reason except that.

My head is no where near ann arbor.

And as the semester comes to a close this becomes a very bad thing.

To the DPS officer

2010-12-06T21:38:00.001-08:00

that prevented my best feature photo of the semester.

fuck you.

Gunday Monday is cancelled for Markley residents of 4th Reeves because of complaints and DPS claims at noise violations. to Mr. Roberts, you are incredible for wanting to promote hall unity in Markley and good luck to you and your slam poetry. rock on, yo, rock on.

Despite almost crying in the lobby at Markley after realizing my feature was taken away from me and then promptly snatching at least some of it back- this will never make up for the disappointment from J.fromm and mr.wolson

mr. wolson your excitement at the staff meeting today was phenomenal.

I hope I will not let you down,

and i'm sorry that this had to be one of the last times

that you would be excited for my potential and then see it fail.

the walk back with bella, however, was incredible.

Chai tea, the snow, and barely anyone being out.

this is a moment that I could live in forever.

A snowglobe if you will.

"In that moment, we were infinite."

and we were.

Today is tomorrow, and tomorrow was yesturday's two days away.

to never being able to have moments/memories like this in muskegon.

to me slowly figuring out how to actually caption write.

to mam and j.moch for making me believe that maybe (just maybe) you believe in me.

and to you, elusive sleep, let the fight begin.

over and out,

trock.

To the Michigan Difference

2010-12-06T15:00:00.000-08:00

"If you have two middle names I fucking hate you."

-people at tmd.

I'm freezing, and I have another couple of hours before I can go get my feature photo at 10:30.

Mr. Wolson is reading a book online and Marissa is playing with a giant scarf she bought today to fight the cold.

To people fighting over who will drive

to the Basketball game tonight

To black coffee and cigarettes and

the few people who really understand the beauty of their combination.

To spending a few hours at the daily

and not feeling completely weirded out.

It's time to not study for exams.

Ready, set,

gone.

This is where It starts

2009-11-18T17:14:00.000-08:00

Mr. Lawton's ringing words of the invention of French kissing ring especially true today.

If you come over tonight I promising to not be a clingy mess, and I will try my best to not text you tomorrow, but it will become increasingly difficult...

please keep this in mind.

because when my finger tips are lingering

I will be thinking of nothing except

your lips.

1/365

2009-02-19T16:29:00.000-08:00

I decided I would finally start the three six five photo project and the first photo will be...

me waiting for a text message.
So as a rule of 365 i have to tell you what my day was about.

i stayed home from school for all the normal reasons.
sick of being around people and not having all my homework done, luckily I still wasn't marked absent in miller's class so I am not on the edge of having to get a C on the exam so I can pass the class. I'm still unsure if he's doing this on purpose or not...who knows.

I got up at ninethirty to a pleading text message asking "Donde!?" from cambria. She is the delight in my life.

Texted tyler and tried to text pat...but Alas!
he doesn't text back.

The reason behind that could be ...anything
but for the sake of my heart i'll say it was him "just not that into me"
oh dear when will I learn.

other than that I've been sitting in my room working on my homework for about seven hours and listening to my top 25 on itunes over and over and over again.

terra signing out.

So This Is The New Year

2008-12-13T12:30:00.001-08:00

to do lists.

-birthday gift
-kellieclock
-macbeth homework
-gov homework

failingggg

de sole.

2008-12-10T11:32:00.001-08:00

this is where I am.

This is where I am not.

tacky sweater day

2008-12-04T11:38:00.000-08:00

it's tree week
and i'm tired..

dissolving one ibuprofen at a time.

this is the moment that you know

2008-11-25T18:20:00.000-08:00

that you told her that you loved her.
but you don't.

half day tomorrow.
and out to lunch with people i haven't been with in a while.

every day...
i dissolve a little more.

maybe I think your cute and funny

2008-11-25T02:31:00.001-08:00

this is the only full day this week and i'm still having the hardest time getting up and making a decision to go to school.

my lang homework isn't done.

And all i want is you to hold...
[I see you today :]]

God...
I am pathetic.

a late night.

2008-11-20T23:32:00.000-08:00

I went to the twilight midnight movie...and was thoroughly enthralled in a makeout scene enough to let out a huge sigh at the end and have lauren giggle at me for a good minute.

My god...that movie made me miss kissing you

It is snowing

2008-11-17T04:03:00.000-08:00

therefore,
I will except that as your rejection.

Wait,
They don't love you...like I love you.

I promise, I'll never ever complain.

2008-11-16T07:16:00.001-08:00

no more text or facebook messages.
poke wars.
or awkward meyer music visits.

i want you for my birthday.
nothing more
and nothing less.

there are just too many things I haven't done yet.
Too many sunsets I haven't seen.
You would've thought by now...
I would've learned something

Will I see you today? I can only hope.

800 mg. ibuprofen

2008-11-15T05:26:00.000-08:00

Do you know that feeling that you get right when you wake up...
like your mind is a clean slate?

You remember nothing.
You feel nothing.
Just the sleepiness of the night before.

I love that feeling.
I could fall in love with that feeling.

swinging on these changing thoughts

2008-11-12T13:04:00.000-08:00

[coffeehouse]
things that make me happy.
-when i feel music...not just hear it but feel it.
-extra chocolate chips in my mocha eclipse
-free wifi
-poetry in unwonted places
-flirting through text messages
-slipper shoes
-teachers making jokes about you
-hysterical laughter
-making the green arrow
-children being mischevious
-snow days
-7 hour beds

these things
will keep me alive.

I'm on the outside of love.

2008-11-09T12:23:00.000-08:00

Someone told me to make it a point
to start writing again.

Well here I am.

I have three papers due this coming week and I have to go to work in about a half hour, which means I need to finish the first of those papers by tonight before I sleep.

It's about chivalry.

The gay man that I have an infatuation with is talking to me via facebook chat every now and then and he makes me smile because I realized after talking to him that

Muskegon
is a very insignificant part of the world.

Did we sacrifice feelings
for facade?

Who the hell am I?

2008-08-05T19:43:00.001-07:00

oh gosh,
I'm so mixed up.

"Who are you?...

2008-07-27T23:26:00.000-07:00

how much of our pain is caused by not knowing
how to answer that question?"
-rob bell

who am i?

24 oz of coffee.

2008-07-26T21:33:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow,
I'm going to the six o clock service at mars hill...
and I'm not apprehensive per say...but
i just...

I feel like things are actually starting to fall into place..
even though everything seems to be falling apart...

things are just starting to make sense.

It's almost one o clock in the morning...
my mom's stalker just called.
and jordan cooper is trying to get a rise out of me.

but none of that matters
because things are becoming
so much less foreign to me.

The Truth.

2008-07-24T19:24:00.000-07:00

This isn't a chance for you to mock me
or a chance to praise me on how strong i am to be admitting this to myself.
this is something i'm doing for me
in a semi-public place
because..
i'm admitting it...
to someone.

Let's start from the beginning.

1. I can almost never keep a secret.
I say almost...because I have kept secrets before
they're big..
but they are kept.

2. I gossip.
It's a habit, a complete weakness
and a very unattractive part of my personality..
but I have to come to terms with it
before I can start to change.

3. I believe in God but...
I doubt it constantly.
This weekend at Mars Hill...I heard this quote
Doubt and belief make faith.
I will grow in my faith...
because...truthfully...
it's the only thing I have sturdy in my life.

4.I stand up for things.
but despite popular belief I am very capable of being torn down.
I don't have all my information memorized..
however..
I know what I believe
and i know what I want and why I want it...
If I tell you I don't...
this brings me to five

5. I lie...because I know
deep down inside it's either
A. something I don't want to hear
or B. something you don't want to hear
I'll admit it to myself later.

6. I want to save myself
for the sanctity of marriage
I know that sounds ridiculous but honestly...
If I had sex now...
I would never forgive myself.

7. I constantly need to be forgiven.
i say sorry more than a person ever should
I think i mean it about half the time...
it was something I was trained to say.
i'm not just blaming it on that either
because alot of the times when I say I'm sorry
I already know it's your forgiveness i should be seeking
not my own pride.

there's so much more...but honestly
I'm only two cups into this pot of coffee
and I have a lot more left to say.

today

2008-07-18T00:14:00.000-07:00

I found out that I have bigger things to think about

than debating my life and death,

neither of which I have that much control over anyway.

I am a speck in the universe.

And I hope to have faith even bigger than that.

I could talk about how upset I am,

worried...or completely disorientated...

or I could ask you to pray...

so pray...would you?

Will I wake to find you waiting by my bedside?

2008-07-16T12:05:00.000-07:00

Will I wake to find you waiting by my side?

So many thoughts left mangled,
so many knots need to be untangled..

I would rather lie here and write nonsence
and sit in a desheveled mess,
falling back into sleep.

Secretary of a Call Girl.

2008-07-15T13:08:00.000-07:00

i watched an entire season...
in one day.

my paper still isn't done,
but I get to play with my camera now..

Though I'm young and cynical.

2008-07-12T18:43:00.000-07:00

It's not my only crime
I've been stealing all your cigarettes.

Donde es mi cabasa?

I miss being completly lost in language.

Mah-Ree-Ella

2008-07-10T15:41:00.000-07:00

happy in her own little world.

glue-ing my lips together.

I'll never have to speak.

Simply knowing you exist...Ain't good enough for me

2008-07-08T05:50:00.000-07:00

i love kate nash.
thanks cambreeeah.

speaking of her
she's going to be mad because i'm not reading.

i'll get ready
then read a chapter of
death.

i proceeded to get drunk and cry.

2008-07-07T17:38:00.000-07:00

i should be doing my summer reading.

we flew my kite today
and everyone [including myself]
have been in really moods.

we might get on
we could get on
we should get on...

You Change your mind

2008-07-05T07:12:00.001-07:00

like a girl changes clothes

i had a long conversation with my mother today.
and now
all i have to do is get that job at egg roll house.

and my junior year.
is SET.

I'm freaked out and fucked up

2008-07-04T20:56:00.000-07:00

and I want to show you a cure for you hiccups.

this.
is.
what.
i want.
to be.

Underground
by kimya dawson.

2008-07-03T01:32:00.000-07:00

p.s.
nate
sorry I'm a tease
jordan
you're a jerk
I don't ever want to see you again

cambria

i will fail more times than you can count.
I don't know why anyone is still my friend.

I spoke to soon.

2008-07-03T01:30:00.000-07:00

I have to work today

and I thought about it...

Go ahead and do whatever you want with him
I'm over it.

Time can't stop me
Airplanes can't stop me
Parthenon walls go up fourty feet
around an even higher mountain with greece surrounding.

I should've jumped
when I had the chance.

wide awake at four a.m.

2008-07-03T01:15:00.000-07:00

everything is exactly the way I left it.

this is both good and bad.

time to start uploading pictures.

And today was a day just like any other...

2008-06-16T05:47:00.000-07:00

I'm a blurry mess of packing and unpacking, lists of all sorts, countdowns, and thoughts of not paying attention. This could take all year.

There are so many things left to be done, but It's unclear why I haven't gotten any of this done beforehand?

the insertion point is blinking

and I won't make this trip about anything
revolving around either of you.

I'm on the verge,
I'm on the verge.

My life is a playlist.

Open house-ing

2008-06-14T14:22:00.000-07:00

on a side note.
i'd be super pissed if you made out with him while i'm gone.
like super pissed.
so don't..okay?

open houses are so strange
but so much better when i have a kristoph by my side.
i should go open house-ing with him more often.

things i'm excited for
picnic. picnic. picnic.
monday. monday. monday.
3 days. 3 days. 3 days.

Large Mint Chocolate Chip In A Cup With Chocolate Cone Dip On Top

2008-06-14T09:14:00.000-07:00

There was a whippi dip meeting this morning
and I was late.
I got a call from Jessica waking me up saying
"We have a meeting that you forgot about"

I get up,
throw on clothes
and go 75 down grand haven rd.
make it there in about two minutes

I'm eating ice cream and thinking about what it is that i have to do today.

I figure...
It's his open house
You can hit him some other day.

I felt so poetic lastnight.
I'll get back to you on that.

And when I see you

2008-06-12T06:28:00.001-07:00

I really see you upside down

I don't know what happened between you and Jordan.
I don't.
I've been running senario's in my head
and thinking about it
and yes...I'm angry with him
and finally
I'm disappointed with you.
But this is just one of those things
that happens
and We'll get over it.
Friends do that.

I can count Italy on one hand and I have to work today at ten to four thirty. Taylor, John and Addison might stop by which inclined me to look slightly adorable for them.
I got my hair cut...and I'll like it.
But it takes time for me to adjust to change so for right now...I'll just keep asking people if I look like a little boy.
The more I think about it, I'm really happy that I'm leaving for this amount of time..

I need to get over this self-destructive-making-out-almost-having-sex-on-several-occasions
Relationship.

What about the other relationship I've been getting over?

It's taking time,
but slowly
It's happening.

The summer has started.

I guess there's just a part of me
that likes to bring you down
just to keep you around
because as soon as you realize
how amazing you are
you're gonna leave me.

I wish was last September, We could lose ourselves in crowds everday

2008-06-11T08:14:00.000-07:00

500 dollars for 300 euro-s

I'm losing myself behind my camera lense
and forgetting every note you've ever written me.

She's got the air to float above it

Gossip Whore.

2008-06-10T20:38:00.000-07:00

all my relationships
end the same way.

i feel like i'm failing
at life.

cheerfully serving icecream.

2008-06-10T11:58:00.001-07:00

I have work in a little over an hour and you know something?

I'm going to be happy and giggly
and smiley all night because
A. Today was the Last day of school
B. I have some sweet pictures to upload
C. Italy is in 6 Days
D. I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow.

I have somethings to figure out,
but all in all

my summer todo list is coming out
quiet nicely.

chopchopchop

2008-06-09T16:36:00.001-07:00

tomorrow
is the last day of school.

i'm going out to lunch with john
and on wednesday

i'm getting my hair cut

http://s4.photobucket.com/albums/y128/FarawayGreenEyes/hair/cuts/short%20hair/?action=view&current=61e374f6.jpg

EXCITED.

If I were on the movie pleasantville...

2008-06-08T10:09:00.001-07:00

my skin would officially be colorful.

i stayed home most of the weekend and studied.
passed up parties and openhouses.
and studied
and worked
and studied

now i have to study some more

but I'm becoming the person I want to be,

I told God I would read one phrase just to please him...
It went something like this
Job 6:13
Do I have any power to help myself, Now that success has been driven from me?

Good thing I'm not the only one that speaks in riddles.

She looks up at the ceiling and stares for a minute and yells
"Can anyone up there explain this to me..."

end weekend.

What do you even say at an openhouse?

2008-06-07T06:15:00.000-07:00

so I'm debating whether or not
I'm going to go to either of your openhouses...

and I think I'm leaning more toward no...

because I doubt that I'd be welcome.

about a billion family members coming over to spend the night
in my yard
and I'm trying my best to get out of here because I don't do well
with the whole..

pinching cheeks
oooing&awwing

signing my death cirtificate
terra jo molengraff
widow of a social life

everytime

2008-06-05T12:22:00.000-07:00

I want to kiss you
I hope I remember the picture of you two.
I'll be reminded of exactly what I don't mean to you...

doesn't that sound familar?

A Triangle trying to fit through a circle.

2008-06-03T13:30:00.000-07:00

He tried to cut me so I'd fit.

Doesn't that sound that sound familiar?
Doesn't that hit so close to home?
Doesn't that make you shiver?
The way things could've gone.

I'm a little bit better at basketball than I thought.
I have a meeting with mr.mcvoy in first hour.
14 DAYS.

utterly distraught.

2008-06-02T19:26:00.001-07:00

It's a good thing I'm dehydrated,
or else I would have enough water to cry.

"This would be a good time to say "I NEED a drink""

You've got so much love in you.

2008-06-01T11:06:00.000-07:00

You look like the songs I've heard all my life,
coming true.

Times are changing.

June.

2008-05-31T20:30:00.000-07:00

9 1/2 days until school is out
17 until italia.

i have to pass my classes
and get more sleep.

in order to do that
i may need to sacrefice [sp?]
my social life for a bit..

but i'm just fine with that.

oh and the fountain threat.
it still stands.

the octagon.

2008-05-30T20:46:00.000-07:00

If I ever hear that you treat anyone like that again,
I swear
I'll push you into the Trevi Fountain
and never ever look back.

you will cross the country, alone.

2008-05-30T17:07:00.000-07:00

"Now...I'm really going to have to get over him"
"Yup."

i'm bigger than my body [and you]
give me credit for.

this is over, and i'm out.

2008-05-29T06:10:00.001-07:00

19 days until italy
7.5 days until i'm out of school.

i am profoundly confused on so many levels
and all I want is my camera charger.

what to reply
what to reply
what to reply

the truth?

i'm sort of pissed off right now.

2008-05-28T21:25:00.001-07:00

Why can't I just get over you
and move on with my life??

100th post.

2008-05-28T11:54:00.000-07:00

everything is falling apart.

i have to work tonight.
that sucks.

2008-05-27T20:40:00.001-07:00

i like you.
and I really don't know what to do about that.

i have to go to the camera shop.
and see when i have to work.

i've run out of complicated theories.

2008-05-26T15:38:00.000-07:00

i want out.

Nice day for a walk in the park.

2008-05-23T08:19:00.000-07:00

there are sunflowers growing in my backyard,
and you leave the school in a week.

I'm not afraid,
I will still be the daydreaming, kite-flying
carefree spirit

that you want to forget.

The Bigger Picture.

2008-05-22T20:07:00.000-07:00

you know
I realize I'm addicted to caffiene and facebook and can't go a day
without thinking about deathcab or if i made the right decisions
with that one kid.

but i'm not perfect...
and I have my shortcomings and downfalls and I have to constantly translate something misinterepreted that i've said.

I'm seeing the bigger picture,
and I'm trying to figure things out.

I'm really glad I made that decision
because sex would've just complicated everything.

Electromagnetic Spectrum.

2008-05-22T16:23:00.000-07:00

my grandfather has an add in the paper,
and he's bring his date by tonight...
my life is officially unrealistic.

things to look forward to
1.shopping for italy
2.NIKON D40
3.NIKON D40
4.NIKON D40

As Comfortable As I am I need your reassurance

2008-05-21T19:58:00.000-07:00

Italy is looming again...
I have a camera to buy
and school to pass

i'm not letting my life pass me by
any longer

i hate this.

2008-05-20T18:30:00.001-07:00

I'm so tired,
but I can't sleep.

that's where it started. and this

2008-05-19T19:20:00.000-07:00

i s w h e r e i t s t o ps.

death cab
caffiene.
homework homework homework.

i didn't even realize
that I could stand
without someone else
supporting me.

school library access.

2008-05-19T10:52:00.000-07:00

all the seniors are outside in band right now.

I asked to be alright with being alone
and He made my surroundings disappear.

rising up. Up UP

homework.starbucks home blend yes

2008-05-18T18:54:00.000-07:00

am i making the right decisions?

am i making any decisions at all?

caffiene to the bloodstream.

2008-05-18T16:58:00.001-07:00

I'm not going to lie...
I feel slightly betrayed
and I'm not at all excited about going home.

in conclusion
I'm a tease.

honest to blog.

2008-05-17T02:35:00.000-07:00

i am
contradicting myself

always

house-sitting

2008-05-16T20:09:00.000-07:00

Jessica: Alright...no sex, no drinking...
Boyfriend in the backgroud: no pot!
Jessica: They can have pot...geeze we can't take away everything.

i'll post more later.

faithfully dangerous.

2008-05-15T08:50:00.000-07:00

lost and lovely.
you are so beautiful to me.
and I'm not too blind to see.

I am history repeating itself.
I am the reflection you see every time you are brave enough to look in the mirror.
I'm that song stuck in your head.

I am your walking contradiction,
and every once in a while you cast your gaze upward and notice that
I have a life of my own.

every one is relatively upset with me right now.

You got me begging you for mercy.

2008-05-14T19:04:00.001-07:00

my sister just called
and i'm alone all weekend house sitting.

this is all sooo set up.

Calculate your risks the way you calculate

2008-05-13T18:58:00.000-07:00

your choice in facebook status.

i'm a facebook addict.
and tomorrow is going to be day one.
no facebook.

wish me luck
it's going to be a long recovery.

how about yea...how about i do hesitate.

2008-05-12T19:49:00.000-07:00

you're singing in my ear.
pop's is this week.

i will not make out
make out
make out
make out.
or doing anything else with you

because
IT DOESN'T MAKE ME HAPPY ANYMORE.

i want a rocketship to space. [or something along those lines.]

2008-05-10T20:20:00.000-07:00

-my fish doesn't have a name.
[and he's probably going to die soon]
-and I am so confused to why I whispered in your ear.

You know I didn't go to sleep right away when I got off this.
I talked on the phone to someone for about an hour and a half.

I just replayed the memory in my head
of riding down the road listening to postal service
when the snow first fell
and you held my hand.

i love the innocence of it all.

I'm going back to school tomorrow.
I don't want to go back to what I was doing
I know that It'll end up killing my spirit
my soul
and everything in me that I actually like about myself.

i work tomorrow
four thirty to close.

school.
no fear.
even though i lost my self for a moment.
and whispered in your ear.

Today is that day.

2008-05-10T06:45:00.000-07:00

Most times in my life I feel like I have been left short, like everything I do for anyone else is always cut off by my own needs. It's not only me with other people, my selfishness is surely a problem I'll face into my later years... but It feels as though my time with people is cut short...or at least the amount of time I'd like to spend with them. Learn their story...Heck re-learn their story...
But there's never enough time.

Today is PLEASE.
And I have to say that I could be facing my worst demons when I stare at that cardboard wall. It's a reflection of me. A mirror that I stare into when I look at the words plastered on the board.

I've been searching and searching and searching for God coming up lost and a little more hurt, and a little less willing.
But something came to last night when I was trying to calm my nerves and get back to sleep.
What if I just stop searching?
What if I take a deep breath and let the world revolve around me...let it continue on, not afraid...just watching waiting.

Tonight...
I'm going to see you.
je'taime encore..[ican'tspellinfrench]
I don't know exactly how i'm going to deal with this...
but

so you know..

I'm going to be
just fine,
with
or without you
in the rest of my life.

[beautifulday,beautifulday,beautifulday]

losing signal.

2008-05-08T20:00:00.000-07:00

please is on saturday.
tomorrow is a half day
i'm making ice cream till close.
come visit me.

i wish i weren't selfish.
i wish i was better at being a human doing.

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GET A PARAMEDIC?
WE'RE LOSING CELL PHONE SERVICE AND
SHE'S NOT GONNA MAKE IT.

please someone help
she's going to ==========j
---------------------------------u
---------------------------m
-------------------------------------p.

THE STATE LINE FELT LIKE THE BERLIN WALL.

2008-05-08T08:08:00.000-07:00

Jess: Sometimes you just need to find the person that you need to date in order to get over the person you're still thinking about..
Me: Isn't that kind of neverending? Always looking for someone to help you get over the person before..
Jess: No it's just how it's suppose to be.

some how
i think
that just isn't right.

lastnight.
i keep repeating the words you typed to me
though vulgar and laced with sexual references
i'm tempted to think back and understand the meaning behind everything.
I'm tempted to agree.

I need to be careful.

I'm going to be devoured.

Sex

2008-05-07T12:28:00.000-07:00

always means you have love and commitment.

I'm going to stop listening to myself
and start listening to God's voice.

oh and p.s.
i'm going to learn languages so i can help in foreign countries.
my life story.

quiet...
shhh
i'm listening.

tulips have officially bloomed.

2008-05-06T14:22:00.000-07:00

please is on saturday.
www.weareplease.org

the set is pretty much done...
except for minor things
but other than that
it's done.
and I have to say that the wall of shame...
definatly ...
is something to look at.

i'm dying of heat exhaustion and normal exhaustion
along with the fact that ms.polani yelled at me today
for "being on the premisis."

i'm pretty sure that's the only way i can get any of my homework.

i have homework to do
and i'm helping john tomorrow so i'm going to need a few more hours of sleep...
plus work...
looks like i might be coming back friday..
if i'm lucky.

stuttering for words
outside common demoniators
i find myself writing poetry
on my math homework.

the only time i'm happy

2008-05-05T18:05:00.000-07:00

is when i'm watching a new greek.

ohh God
i'm so indecisive.

I want so badly to believe

2008-05-04T14:50:00.001-07:00

that there is truth.
And love...is real.

i know your wise beyond your years
but do you ever get the feeling
that your perfect verse is just a lie...
that you tell yourself to help you get by..?

I JUST WANT TO BE DONE WITH EVERYTHING
having to do with

you.

chai.

2008-05-03T19:52:00.000-07:00

there are so many words i could spell
so many phrases i could use
poetry i've memorized that i could recite
but in the end it comes up garbled
and misleading back to you.

i wonder if the stereotype of prom night sex is true.

it's time for me to sleep.
tomorrow looks like
-waking up
-cleaning my room
-doing some homework
-getting chai
-figuring out when band is
-going to the concert

i've been so fond of the english language
but what do I do
when words finally fail me
and i can utter nothing...

except silence.

figuring out so many things.

2008-05-02T14:45:00.000-07:00

i hate everything to do with prom.
i'm very tired.
i'm thinking about not coming back until after pop's.
i'm teaching myself spanish.
i want ice cream.

i come to some serious conclusions about myself
and the people around me.

i can't wait until tomorrow is over.

mononucleousis and cough syrup induced coma's.

2008-05-01T07:16:00.000-07:00

I have no idea what I want to do with my life after high school.

I have no actual interests that can be turned into careers. I love taking pictures but how can I go into a career as a photographer without a serious camera? I love to write simple beautiful things but who would buy that?

And the idea of my words on sale...
it makes my stomach do summer saults.

I sent mr.green an email explaining my delema [sp?] and hopefully he offers me the panacea to all my problems.
a name of a college.
a major i would be happy in.

maybe i'll become a professor,
sounds like a spectacular idea to me.

if you want to get a hold of me
call hell, and ask for terra.

the 29th has come and passed.

2008-04-30T09:02:00.000-07:00

a few days ago i was asking for things
like sleep
and chai
and a good book.

well i wanted to let you know
i've gotten all of those things
and won't be coming back to school
until...

well i'm not exactly sure yet

but i'll just say

[until this is all over.]

the plague.

2008-04-29T10:08:00.000-07:00

death