June.

9 1/2 days until school is out
17 until italia.




i have to pass my classes
and get more sleep.

in order to do that
i may need to sacrefice [sp?]
my social life for a bit..






but i'm just fine with that.


oh and the fountain threat.
it still stands.

the octagon.

If I ever hear that you treat anyone like that again,
I swear
I'll push you into the Trevi Fountain
and never ever look back.

you will cross the country, alone.

"Now...I'm really going to have to get over him"
"Yup."







i'm bigger than my body [and you]
give me credit for.

this is over, and i'm out.

19 days until italy
7.5 days until i'm out of school.






i am profoundly confused on so many levels
and all I want is my camera charger.






what to reply
what to reply
what to reply

the truth?

i'm sort of pissed off right now.

Why can't I just get over you
and move on with my life??

100th post.

everything is falling apart.






i have to work tonight.
that sucks.

i like you.
and I really don't know what to do about that.













i have to go to the camera shop.
and see when i have to work.

i've run out of complicated theories.

i want out.

Nice day for a walk in the park.

there are sunflowers growing in my backyard,
and you leave the school in a week.



I'm not afraid,
I will still be the daydreaming, kite-flying
carefree spirit



that you want to forget.

The Bigger Picture.

you know
I realize I'm addicted to caffiene and facebook and can't go a day
without thinking about deathcab or if i made the right decisions
with that one kid.


but i'm not perfect...
and I have my shortcomings and downfalls and I have to constantly translate something misinterepreted that i've said.


I'm seeing the bigger picture,
and I'm trying to figure things out.






I'm really glad I made that decision
because sex would've just complicated everything.

Electromagnetic Spectrum.

my grandfather has an add in the paper,
and he's bring his date by tonight...
my life is officially unrealistic.


things to look forward to
1.shopping for italy
2.NIKON D40
3.NIKON D40
4.NIKON D40

As Comfortable As I am I need your reassurance

Italy is looming again...
I have a camera to buy
and school to pass









i'm not letting my life pass me by
any longer

i hate this.

I'm so tired,
but I can't sleep.

that's where it started. and this

i s w h e r e i t s t o ps.





death cab
caffiene.
homework homework homework.







i didn't even realize
that I could stand
without someone else
supporting me.

school library access.

all the seniors are outside in band right now.






I asked to be alright with being alone
and He made my surroundings disappear.




rising up. Up UP

homework.starbucks home blend yes

am i making the right decisions?



am i making any decisions at all?

caffiene to the bloodstream.

I'm not going to lie...
I feel slightly betrayed
and I'm not at all excited about going home.








in conclusion
I'm a tease.

honest to blog.

i am
contradicting myself




always

house-sitting

Jessica: Alright...no sex, no drinking...
Boyfriend in the backgroud: no pot!
Jessica: They can have pot...geeze we can't take away everything.















i'll post more later.

faithfully dangerous.

lost and lovely.
you are so beautiful to me.
and I'm not too blind to see.




I am history repeating itself.
I am the reflection you see every time you are brave enough to look in the mirror.
I'm that song stuck in your head.

I am your walking contradiction,
and every once in a while you cast your gaze upward and notice that
I have a life of my own.











every one is relatively upset with me right now.

You got me begging you for mercy.

my sister just called
and i'm alone all weekend house sitting.











this is all sooo set up.

Calculate your risks the way you calculate

your choice in facebook status.






i'm a facebook addict.
and tomorrow is going to be day one.
no facebook.






wish me luck
it's going to be a long recovery.

how about yea...how about i do hesitate.

you're singing in my ear.
pop's is this week.







i will not make out
make out
make out
make out.
or doing anything else with you





because
IT DOESN'T MAKE ME HAPPY ANYMORE.

i want a rocketship to space. [or something along those lines.]

-my fish doesn't have a name.
[and he's probably going to die soon]
-and I am so confused to why I whispered in your ear.









You know I didn't go to sleep right away when I got off this.
I talked on the phone to someone for about an hour and a half.

I just replayed the memory in my head
of riding down the road listening to postal service
when the snow first fell
and you held my hand.


i love the innocence of it all.




I'm going back to school tomorrow.
I don't want to go back to what I was doing
I know that It'll end up killing my spirit
my soul
and everything in me that I actually like about myself.





i work tomorrow
four thirty to close.




school.
no fear.
even though i lost my self for a moment.
and whispered in your ear.

Today is that day.

Most times in my life I feel like I have been left short, like everything I do for anyone else is always cut off by my own needs. It's not only me with other people, my selfishness is surely a problem I'll face into my later years... but It feels as though my time with people is cut short...or at least the amount of time I'd like to spend with them. Learn their story...Heck re-learn their story...
But there's never enough time.




Today is PLEASE.
And I have to say that I could be facing my worst demons when I stare at that cardboard wall. It's a reflection of me. A mirror that I stare into when I look at the words plastered on the board.

I've been searching and searching and searching for God coming up lost and a little more hurt, and a little less willing.
But something came to last night when I was trying to calm my nerves and get back to sleep.
What if I just stop searching?
What if I take a deep breath and let the world revolve around me...let it continue on, not afraid...just watching waiting.




Tonight...
I'm going to see you.
je'taime encore..[ican'tspellinfrench]
I don't know exactly how i'm going to deal with this...
but



so you know..








I'm going to be
just fine,
with
or without you
in the rest of my life.









[beautifulday,beautifulday,beautifulday]

losing signal.

please is on saturday.
tomorrow is a half day
i'm making ice cream till close.
come visit me.







i wish i weren't selfish.
i wish i was better at being a human doing.








CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GET A PARAMEDIC?
WE'RE LOSING CELL PHONE SERVICE AND
SHE'S NOT GONNA MAKE IT.


please someone help
she's going to ==========j
---------------------------------u
---------------------------m
-------------------------------------p.

THE STATE LINE FELT LIKE THE BERLIN WALL.

Jess: Sometimes you just need to find the person that you need to date in order to get over the person you're still thinking about..
Me: Isn't that kind of neverending? Always looking for someone to help you get over the person before..
Jess: No it's just how it's suppose to be.



some how
i think
that just isn't right.






lastnight.
i keep repeating the words you typed to me
though vulgar and laced with sexual references
i'm tempted to think back and understand the meaning behind everything.
I'm tempted to agree.













I need to be careful.





I'm going to be devoured.

Sex

always means you have love and commitment.








I'm going to stop listening to myself
and start listening to God's voice.




oh and p.s.
i'm going to learn languages so i can help in foreign countries.
my life story.




quiet...
shhh
i'm listening.

tulips have officially bloomed.

please is on saturday.
www.weareplease.org






the set is pretty much done...
except for minor things
but other than that
it's done.
and I have to say that the wall of shame...
definatly ...
is something to look at.






i'm dying of heat exhaustion and normal exhaustion
along with the fact that ms.polani yelled at me today
for "being on the premisis."



i'm pretty sure that's the only way i can get any of my homework.

i have homework to do
and i'm helping john tomorrow so i'm going to need a few more hours of sleep...
plus work...
looks like i might be coming back friday..
if i'm lucky.






stuttering for words
outside common demoniators
i find myself writing poetry
on my math homework.

the only time i'm happy

is when i'm watching a new greek.








ohh God
i'm so indecisive.

I want so badly to believe

that there is truth.
And love...is real.

i know your wise beyond your years
but do you ever get the feeling
that your perfect verse is just a lie...
that you tell yourself to help you get by..?














I JUST WANT TO BE DONE WITH EVERYTHING
having to do with



you.

chai.

there are so many words i could spell
so many phrases i could use
poetry i've memorized that i could recite
but in the end it comes up garbled
and misleading back to you.





i wonder if the stereotype of prom night sex is true.






it's time for me to sleep.
tomorrow looks like
-waking up
-cleaning my room
-doing some homework
-getting chai
-figuring out when band is
-going to the concert





i've been so fond of the english language
but what do I do
when words finally fail me
and i can utter nothing...


except silence.

figuring out so many things.

i hate everything to do with prom.
i'm very tired.
i'm thinking about not coming back until after pop's.
i'm teaching myself spanish.
i want ice cream.



i come to some serious conclusions about myself
and the people around me.




i can't wait until tomorrow is over.

mononucleousis and cough syrup induced coma's.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life after high school.


I have no actual interests that can be turned into careers. I love taking pictures but how can I go into a career as a photographer without a serious camera? I love to write simple beautiful things but who would buy that?

And the idea of my words on sale...
it makes my stomach do summer saults.

I sent mr.green an email explaining my delema [sp?] and hopefully he offers me the panacea to all my problems.
a name of a college.
a major i would be happy in.

maybe i'll become a professor,
sounds like a spectacular idea to me.




if you want to get a hold of me
call hell, and ask for terra.