the 29th has come and passed.

a few days ago i was asking for things
like sleep
and chai
and a good book.


well i wanted to let you know
i've gotten all of those things
and won't be coming back to school
until...





well i'm not exactly sure yet


but i'll just say




[until this is all over.]

the plague.

death

speaking in third person.

things terra wants.
a chai latte with cinnamon.
mint chocolate chip ice cream in a medium pop cup with lots of chocolate cone dip on top of it.
a very good book.
a comfy chair with a coffee smell engraved in it's linens.
to sleep in until nine.

things she'll get.
-little sleep
-library fee's
-spanish death
-lots of homework
-constant disappointment and a foolish heart.





oh these are trying times.

around you.

coffeehouse is tomorrow
my parents arn't going to make it
because...



their ...
a. not in town.
b. "not feeling up to it"













my sister will be there.
and i'm dedicating it to someone.



NERVES.
NERVES.
NERVOUS.





it would mean the world to me
if you could be there.

common ground.

it's suppose to snow.
i'm excited.
and also I keep day dreaming about Italy
and the possibilities a foreign country with language barriers could bring me.


i need to keep my feet planted
firmly on the ground.

the truth: i cannot find the heart i gave to you.

i'm losing things left and right,


keys
phone
conscience
ability to concentrate
sleep
bobby pins
glasses of pop
pencils
friendships





the list never ends



maybe it's all at the place
where lost left socks are.

please don't judge me by my errors in spelling and grammer

today at whippi dip
a giant visited me at my window.

i was leaning up against the register while tapping my pen against the window that starts from the height of my hips and goes higher than i can reach. i was figdty and anxious just in the same way i had greeted the world when i first opened my green eyes.

i became lost in my thoughts of where the future could take me and what promises it would break, right as i considered taking to steps backward to refigure my direction i heard a tap at my window.


i shook myself out of my dazed state and realized i had been looking at a pair of feet in makeshift sandles. i was so startled that i squeezed my eyes shut, shook my head back and forth and tried to come up with a logical reason to what i had just seen.


as i stood with my head in my hands blocking my eyes from what stood outside of the small building i heard a kind voice come from somewhere above...
"Excuse me miss...?"

I still couldn't believe such a thing could be true.

"Really I don't mean to scare you...I would really enjoy a cup of water, You see it's blistering hot out here and please do understand that i have no intention of harming you."


I must be ill...or have fainted in some way...this really could only be a dream. I thought back to what my mother had told me...
If you just stick through the nightmare
it might just have a happy ending...



So i thought to myself
"What's the harm? There's no reason a girl can't have a friendly conversation with a giant, now...
is there?"






i will continue this later.

i know that you'll find, love, i will possess your heart.

new death cab song came out on the radio today
you should've heard me scream in the car.







aerodinamically
a bubble bee cannot fly
of course we see them gliding the sky despite this.


i'll write more poetically informed later
when i've cleaned my room and myself
and studied what i've missed these last days.




went out to lunch.
it was weird.





waiting for life to catch up to my fingertips and song lyrics...
-terra.

the first day back part one.

i can say with confidence
that from great dispair comes great wisedom.





i've had a cloud come over me
and bleekness
and i can't seem to shake it.






wednesday.
out to lunch with cambria and chris anton







i'm rebuilding the bridges
i have let fire consume.

Speaking common english.

my grades are slipping and on saturday i'm going for blood tests to figure out what's wrong with me and my constant need to either...
A. sleep all day all night and never wake up
B. Lay awake and contemplate life death and everything in between
C. not being able to consentrate for my life.



my doctor thinks i'm anemic
my mom thinks i have mono. {again}
i think i'm going crazy.




i have an audition at fourish for coffeehouse
i've memorized half the song
i work at four thirty to close
don't worry i'm not contagious
my ice cream isn't infected with a cancerous virus that may or may not turn you into a zombie.
jcoops car is at his house so i'm wondering if he's having a sick day too
i visited paige.
i'm starting a hitlist...
of people i'll probably have killed by the russian mofia.


alright
i have relatives over so i have to look like i'm not planning the end of my world.




signing off.
terra molengraff.

Thursday night, everything's fine

except you've got that look in your eye.







sickday
number 3
i'll be more poetic later.




you say
i must eat so many lemons
because
I AM SO BITTER.

you don't know me!

copying righting that phrase is like
apple trying to copy right the lower case i.










work five to close.
SICKNESS.
I have to go to the doctor's tomorrow
and i am scared as hell.






I don't know where i'm standing anymore.
[i'm holding onto the crack's in our foundation.]

the crack's in our foundation.

very cold.
very dizzy.
very sick.












studying X098023948093248

came up clapping in the spirit of the aviator.

i've had the same song on repeat
for what seems like weeks.
i have tests to study for ...but there's one thing i had to write
so i could remember this..













I'm getting over this
and moving on.
It feels uplifting to have a position to travel in
even if I can't exactly see clearly.


ohh and
for terra to remember her schedual
work
monday
FIVE TO CLOSE.




love.love.love.

there is a cracker in that sugar shaker

hopes risen
hopes that have fallen.


it never lasts for long

rant.

dear anyone listening,
i can't date right now
because i have no idea who I am
I know that could take time
so please don't wait around.
I definatly wouldn't know who I would be
with someone else.


end that rant..






so tonight
i was at whippi dip until elevenish
talking to carly sco sitting in the parking lot.
it was good to just talk out loud
with my pepsi and someone i hardly knew.







italy
on my mind.
i will plan for disaster
so when it comes
i'll be prepared.



DIGITAL SLR.
DIGITAL SLR.
DIGITAL SLR.


I WANT YOU.

I've been thinking.

complications
and miscommunications.








italy is looming.
and it's turned into something
i've started to fear.

i'll be the one to find you safe in my heart

i'm in a lighter mood.






i'm giving up on making passes.
...on half empty glasses.
...on greener grasses.
I am giving up.




for you.

tones of voice i'm not use to.

65 days until italy and greece.

and I've learned more about pick pocketers than i could ever care to know.


dear italy guy who wants to steal my passport
and crappy american dollars.
won't you just pick pocket my heart?
take these feelings and sell them on the black market fast
and without thought.



he won't miss me.



and neither will I.

carried away.

all i want to do is cry.



these things were suppose to make me happy
I feel unresolved and mismanaged.








I can hear john saying I told you so...






this is me while time
has been at a standstill [i
am only confused.]


i fuck up haikus
but that's just me
no nature
no format.








just me.

you're clear for take off cambria.

you're like the fairytale prince
from a story book i was read to as a child.

if i could describe the perfect person
i'd like to date it would be you.


but opportunity has passed itself.



and i've come up with some options to help
me getting over you.
1. join the circus
2. become a nun
3. buy lots of cats and live alone
4. become an overzealous teenager
and obsess over it like a jonas brothers fan
5. let it take it's course.


personally
i'd like to avoid five.




over and out
terra molengraff.

title-less

the side walk chalk project is on right now...



and i'm on a computer with no speakers.












i'm so upset.

no longer mobile.

I'm holding up the fort
with sticks and pieces of ply wood found
from the old foundation of our house
it's cracking and crumbling
as we speak.





it was raining
so i wrote on an old orderslip.
On the corner of Pontaluna and Grand Haven rd.
i found myself [bewildered].
It's the silence before the car crash.
The hesitation before a kiss.
And finally the quiet before the rain.
Conquering writer's block was me actually admitting to myself what I wanted.
I have hurt people along the way and found my short comings and downfalls.
I have not found resolution within the walls between my eyes.
Always looking in the strangest of places and always cautious
of what I might find.
I seclude myself to a place and run things through my mind
...sometimes good..most times bad
but never finding full restitution.
It is fair to say I've conquered writer's block but as to solving everything else.


I will remain unmoved.

dear future boyfriend/kid i'll spend the rest of my life with.

last night...
it was okay i suppose..
but this morning it's led me to thinking alot about you.
there's this song..
called antonia by motion city soundtrack
and he talks about
I cried all night
and then we spooned.

i can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.
i know it'll be one big adventure every single day
we can rock out in the living room and sing loudly
and watch good movies and laugh
i love to laugh.
i'm sure you'll figure that out.




i know that if i wait
i'll find you.

so i hope you had a good monday..
the first monday of spring break.
be responsible!

and i'll be praying for you.


have fun!

sincerely.
16 year old terra.

the skyline looked like crooked teeth.

i'm alone at my house right now.
listening to death cab
if i wanted to ...
i could invite people over...but
i'm in such a strange mood
and...
i think i'll enjoy the aloness
while it lasts to myself
for a whlie.





i think i'll sleep in my mom's room
in her giant bed
and sleep until noon
and eat food
and sing loud music
and greet the day.




tomorrow...
is going to be good.

You're So Cute when You're slurring your words.

i feel like the inanimate object on my desk that i don't ever touch because it's dusty. i feel like a contradiction of sorts ...i really shouldn't be angry about this...
but you know how things happen when lights dull and your senses go out of control.



i have to work tonight.
i've been singing the same song for twenty four hours.



and i like you.
i admitted it last night.
and you got drunk
the degrassi movie was a disappointment
and i couldn't find a tag to itch this morning

i'm going to go drink tea
and contemplate

i'm not angry as much as i was.



more skeptical anymore.




happy birthday james.
i hope it's not. disappointing

welcome to the world.

i wrote a whole bunch
but it was deleted.



my life will be fine without you
even though i doubt that statement myself.




welcome to the world little baby.



the end.

When the plane goes down, I'll remember where the love was found.

So i've been spending tons of time thinking ...

and I don't want to date for some very good reasons, and I don't want a friend's with benefits because i can't do that kind of thing. My heart is certainly not capable of not being attached. It loves and loses more times in a day than I can count.

I do not want to date
and No...I will not kiss you.

Kissing is something so passionate for me. Something sacred and beautiful and I don't want to make it into anything artificial, fake or unfeeling...
Kissing is more intimate than anything else you could ever do with someone at this age.


And It's all I want as of right now.


We had an Italy/Greece meeting today in the dance room and I avoided eye contact for everyone's well being. I have room mates now, and I don't know how that will go but I'm optimistic. I just want to know myself better by that time so I can do with things with not such an indecisive attitude.






[You keep me high minded.]