no i will not study for these tests.

"You know...
You can choose how this is going to effect you,
You don't have to have it bother you."




i should start taking my own advice.

reliability.

what if i go to school
for one reason
to learn.




i don't want to make out with you
i'm sorry.



my vital signs will shoot off the chart
and i'll turn back into the mess I was before
I figured all of this out.

pro's and con's list.

my life has become something on it's own.

todos los dios it's the same

so i haven't written anything very poetic in a while and that definatly makes me semi upset...but i'm sure the end of this writer's block is near.

on another note.
i put on my claddagh ring again today. it had always looked so haunting with it's black heart and crown facing directly towards me hoping that at any clear moment it could stab me in the deepest part of my heart. I've always hated the idea of being alone, and the fact that I feel like I
can't be alone scares me even more.

Today was something else in many ways.

I was sitting on my bus running my thoughts through my head when I realized that I didn't want to do this anymore. I was living for nothing, and lately [especially in the months past] I've looked to find comfort in another persons' arms and for once the thought of another person (again particularly of the opposite sex) wasn't satisfying at all. It was at that moment that I was ready to once again journey to my jewelry box and figure out why I was so afraid to wear the claddagh with the symbol that said I wasn't dating anyone.

I do not need another person to determine who I am.

I haven't felt like that in over a year.



It's good to get to know me
without a we again.



Signing off,
the girl who will proudly wear her ring tomorrow.

the cure for the common terra.

i make sense half of the time
and up until this point in my life
i've been fine with taking the time to teach my language
to people who want to understand...

it's a part of my character
and a skill for other people to learn?


is this so wrong,
does this make me unapproachable?



i think it just keeps the people i should get to know in,
and the people that don't matter as much out.

it's Easter.

and I think this is the first year I haven't really cared.





I had stressed out dreams last night
and I really wish Barnes and Noble was open...

maybe it is...


I'll check later
because I really want an Italian Soda...
and I need some serious time to think.

hopefully saturday will entail...a vanilla italian soda, barnes and noble, and conversation with a friend.

i love how the snow speaks silence when it surrounds.

My homework.

i have homework.
physical science drawings
blue packet page five
and studying for Jewett's QUIZ
living through my eve-mary dichotomy
and
figuring out what i've been doing with the rest of my life.

the end.

closing time...

I know who I want to take me home.








I have no idea what I'm doing,
but it looks like nobody else does either...

so at least...

I'm not alone..

i'm not running away, and i'm not sick.

Mid Year Resolutions.
who said that wasn't allowed?


-how many clothing articles do i actually need to be dressed everyday?
--for italy and even for the summer
i'm shopping at goodwill because i don't need that many clothes
and the money could be spent with better use
--i want to have spent more money on film then on anything else this summer
--i will climb the rock wall at norton pines.
--i will never use the power of a kiss to
a. manipulate
b. forget
c. i will keep three until i have prayed about four.
--i will stop caring so much about what people think of me
and more of how i fit into this puzzle
--i will not seek out acceptance in the eyes of others
particularly the opposite sex.
--i will try to keep my room clean,... for my sanity and my mother's.
--i will control my temper
-my visible and invisible one.









i'm coming back to this.

this is either profound or jibberish. you decide...or don't.

my thoughts come out in my decisions.


and who i am is a reflection of what i have decided.







so when i'm indecisive,
i really am just stalling for time
while trying to figure out who i am.

which way is up?

i don't like who i am.

i don't know what i need right now,
normally at times like these
i would find myself in someone else's kiss

but i don't want that

or another guy,
someone new to know and hold
and explore with

but i don't want that either





i want nothing of what my personality right now
can give to me...



what does that say about the future?

jason mraz how i have missed you.

it's been two days into the new tri
and i've already had one sick day...
i suppose.


i slept through the day
which is never very comforting
because everyone is a day a head of me
well at least i was only sick today
and not two weeks to a month...
but who knows
this plague still has time to take over my life.




[you know exactly what i want,
so i don't have to be damn upfront]

my hair is frozen.

writing seems pointless.
my words just keep echoing the same things.




no zero hour.
hoo-ray.

mutual is a fucking lie.

i said your name, today, outloud
it sounded foreign inside my mouth.

i wish we didn't have choir today.

i can't wait until i have to work...
a strange statement
but i can't wait to just do everything robotically
clean, fill, take orders, clean, fill, take orders


and get paid for it.





two more steps closer to the camera of my dreams.

PLEASE. take a number.

we're never very consistent with the severity of each situation.
I'm always wondering, and wandering in my thoughts
very quite aware of what's going on around me.

i'm not really sure where i'm going at this moment,
and if i like the place i'll arrive at at all...

All things move in tandem, and other things i've learned

how much i hate myself,
and how much i don't want to do anything to change that.













maybe i'll become a writer.