The on and off switch.

i have tea,
and pounds of homework...


i'm going to edit all my feelings out of this...
do my homework,
take a shower...
and go to bed,
then
i will allow myself to feel.







just
don't talk to me right now.

big things are happening.

my life seems so insignificant.

Immoral contact before marriage.

last night,
i picked up the telephone and hazily dialed a familar number,
he told me he would call me back, and he did...
he never lies.


for two hours I switched positions, walking around my room
trying to get good reception so i could gather every single one of his words

if life we're like the movies,
i would be fine right now.
but it's no breakfast at tiffany's now is it.



i have to write an essay and my research paper,
i hope they don't suck...

because that...
would just...


suck.

Passive Aggressive.

[i am difficult to reach.]



i've held on to our nine month relationship.
i've held on to side walk chalk and umbrella people.
i've held on to note card notes to you during lunch.
i've held on to the last and first kiss.
i've held on to your dog, and how you use to talk to her.
i've held on to post-it notes that say your name.
i've held on to conversations in the band locker room.
i've held on to laying on my bed laughing while we started to be friends.
i've held on to rumors destroying everything.
i've held on to saying sorry for things i shouldn't have said sorry for.
i've held on to the words "not attracted."


[he and I had something beautiful
but so disfunctional.]


i've held on to midnight conversations lasting until five in the morning.
i've held on to swimmer video games and zombie movies.
i've held on to new years.
i've held on to the words "Don't fall for me"
i've held on to the words "passive."

[still a little bit delirious.]





pretty soon,
my hands will become to small
and i'll drop everything...


i can't wait for this day.

something old.

i need to type these up
so i can throw the hard copies away,
they're a crumpled mess.


[songlyric.]
Due to the recent power outages
We haven't seen light for days
I've been searching for some resoultion
to clear up [my ways][the haze.]



and a sonnet (sp?)
with messed up syllables
...i still think it's cool.

[i'm a puddle on the floor]
there was a time of much contemplation
when my decisions never made much sense
they would always come with hesitation
soon finding myself outside present tense.

Captivating is your silent presence
Don't hold me responsible to describe
how you have led me into such a trance
please tell me your truths I must just be bling

A kiss, not something I can be deprived
It's gone far past like and on to harsh lust
Not much from this feeling can be derived
with a relationship like this cannot come trust

Again only certain thoughts run through my head
As I toss and turn falling asleep in my bed.




okay for this,
i cannot be held accountable for what i said
it was just me writing and again...
it's a little..
well
risk{cool e apostraphe thingy.}
so...



[I feel completely incomplete without trust]

I'm not complaining [oh yes you are]
I cannot stand this feeling
it crawls to my finger tips
and longs to be let out through words,
preferably actions [with you]
I want to push you agains
your seafoam colored car and let
these teenage longings roam
and i want you, every inch of
your body against my own
I want to trace you and feel you shudder
I'm sick of being responsible, i am
sick of being safe
I want to hear nothing about
consequence of about what
happened to my faith
I want to be unreasonable
I don't want to think things
through
But I also want to hold your hand and be able to trust you too
I wan tthe feeling of innocence that
can be described with every kiss

but i know i have to choose
one or the other it cannot be
just this.





[end awkward moment.]

and excuse my spelling errors and grammatical tidbits
hey..
the blog has it's url for a reason.


peace.

at least Castro resigned.

"I wish you would have let me know something so I can move on.
I had this ridiculous dream that we were holding hands and
I woke up and had a great day.
I hate you."


I need to gain some self control, and I need to find myself in the inner recesses of my mind because I can't let myself continue to just hold to everything.


Today the shadows in my shower made me feel like i was corpse,
shadows outlined my fingers making them look purple and frightening.

Sometimes I think i'm going crazy...


[and He takes, And He takes and He takes.]

10:00 realizations

i do not like who i am right now.






IT'S TIME FOR CHANGE.

elevator to the moon.

so i just downed a small godiva hot chocolate, and what was going to be a medium pepsi until the burista insisted that i get a venti because it was only fifteen cents extra...
i'm a sucker for deals.

so now i'm at home sitting in my winter jacket because it's freezing inside my house much like it actually is outside. the temperature of my house reminds me of something i wrote in ninth grade...

i believe it ended with something like...

but at least i have a tiny computer room
that is keeping me warm.

and locked away
from the rest of

a quiet house.


how much hope i did hold inside my heart at that time,
oh how i miss those days before i became corrupted behind closed doors, and whispered words.

oh ignorance was bliss, and i seemed to have found myself in the middle of it all. but tomorrow is tuesday, and i have no idea how i want to take this day in my head yet. normally i would just be satisfied with letting it brush over me and going threw the motions until i get home and have to focus on my homework, no real feeling needed just the surface hello's and smiling face. but i'm done with it.

starting now,
i'm demanding respect. i want to like myself so much, you'd think that wouldn't be much of a challenge, but truly my worst critic is always myself, never good enough, never happy...it's absolutue torture and it doesn't stop until my head hits the pillow and my eyes close and i'm allowed to imagine a better world.

i do not know where the rest of my life will take me, but tomorrow i want to be a different person a happier person.



well i have to read the awakening and finish this essay, and by the looks of my caffine intake the past hour, it's going to be a while until i get some relief from my inner critic...
well au revior
tyler...
at least i know your reading this.





[maybe you will always be just a little out of reach]

in the photobooth.

I have somethings that have been plague-ing my mind lately,
and hopefully it will come out in the right words.



I'm not proud of everything I've done,
I would like to make that clear right now. Still i am the process of discovering everything that i can become, and i am not ashmed that I had to go down those paths. I've learned more about my problems during these times than i have throughout the rest of my life. It has taken times of great dispair to figure out what things made me most happiest.

I am not exactly sure where the path of life has yet to lead me but i'm going to be honest that i still feel guilt rush over me when i see you frown in the hallway, and when you smile
i feel like i need to cast my gaze down in an effort not to ruin your happiness.

But i need to say this. I'm done. I hope to become an amazing person when i grow up, i hope to change lives, and yes i do dearly miss you but...i will not spend the rest of this year wanting only you. I have big plans and I have a faith in which i should grow and i'm not going to let your feelings get in the way. I would love to be your friend.


Just not at the cost of admitting to something
I never did.


I want to love people, and i want to understand them. I want to hear their stories and their pains,
when they quarrled, and when they cried.
I want to write books about them, and tell them that they matter, they have such a big effect on my life.




I will not let this overtake my life
like it has for the last few months.
I have my lines,
I will become happy through time,
and if you ever want to talk to me again,


i'll be here
waiting,
just to listen,
with a cup of coffee
and a certain understanding,
only an exfriend,exgirlfriend, nonexsistant in your life
type of person


can give.


[bah bah, this is the sound of settling.]

we'd learn how our bodies worked.

i'm not ready to be anywhere
except near you.






i feel very inadaquit in my life at this moment in time.
it's like i only want one thing...
well one person.
i just can't seem to move my mind off of this subject, i can't seem to think of anything but you. and to be completely honest i'm not that upset about it. everyone is concerned for my well being though...i'm not suppose to take this long. but i keep my mind tied to the memories of everything that was. at this moment i'm just staring at my fingers and not watching the words i type out transfer themselves onto the screen because i've been searching for something inside myself for some time now, and i think that when i look at the words i write, it's like i'm editing everything in my mind. it's been dying to get out. i just can't though. i can't face these facts because that means i'm going to have to face graduation which is coming much more fast then i ever thought it could. it's like i'm losing my opportunity to get to know this amazing group of people. it just seems lik ethe more i cling to the idea of wanting to know these people, the more it seems to slip through my hands.

this morning i felt the presence of God again. it was invigorating,
and i know what i have to do and that definatly causes quite the problem for myself. i need to let go of everything i want and completely go into submition for my faith...and that is something i know will give me everything i've been longing for for so long.


i haven't started any of my homework that's due tomorrow, and i'm really hoping for a snow day that's a seventy five percent chance away.
i'll finish my homework before school tomorrow, but
it'll be at the darkest hours of the night.





in conclusion.
i don't want to use spell check.

college, a prerequist to life.

i'm so often afraid
that the air and water leading to my lungs
will freeze the longer i stand out in the cold.

eventually it will become painful and parts
of my body reject the freezing air.
and soon enough
i will surely become nothing but breeze in the wind.






my life is not my own.

there are no feelings.

dear someone,
i miss you like there is no tomarrow.
i think about you constantly,
and how i use laugh and talk with you
late into the night.

i am no longer worth a second look from you.




oh how i miss you.




love,
terra..

bus ride home

the word EXIT
on the emergency window
seared it's way into my thoughts
reminding me of my constant way to get out.


i just can't be with myself anymore.

When all else fails drizzle on people-mark(teacherman.)

here's another poem by the Valentine book guy.
oh and for allye's sake

his name is Ted Kooser.

The Paper Boat

Carefully placed upon the future,
it tips from the breeze and skims away,
frail things of words, this valentine,
so far to sail. And if you find it
caught in the reeds, its message blurred,
the thought that you are holding it
a moment is enough for me.







if it's a snow day tomorrow
i don't know what i will do
but i know that i will not
find myself with you.




ahh the dreariness of high school

not myself.

the girl's you've been with.
the list runs through my mind.

i pull cambria's fleece
over my head
and run new words through my head
i am whole.
i am solid.
i am not fleeting.


i will be just fine.

a barnes and noble find

i found this in a book called valentines...


this Valentine's day, I intend to stand
for as long as I can on a kitchen stool
and hold back the hands of a clock,
so that wherever you are, you may walk
even more lightly in your loveliness;
so that the weak, mid-february sun
(whose chill I will feel from the face
of the clock) cannot in anyway
lessen the lights of your hair, and the wind
(whose subtle insistence I will feel
in the minute hand) cannot tight
the corners of your smile. People
drearily walking the winter streets
will long remember this day;
how they glanced up to see you
there in a storefront window, glorious,
strolling along the outside of time








oh how i'm growing to love poetry.

forgive the spelling and grammatical errors...i was on a rant.

last night,
i had a dream
that i was walking through barnes and noble... i walked outside in the cold, to find it snowing
and i decided to go into a bar near the store. my father walked in and i created some made up answer of why i was in there and told him i was leaving. he followed me outside and said he needed a better explanation of why i was in there.
i told him he didn't deserve one because
he was barely a father anyway.
he insisited we talk but i told him i had to go...
so he followed me to my car.
i told him get in will talk when we go...whereever i was going.
so we drove,
i tried to get out of the parking lot but the windows fogged up, and my sister...and i'm pretty sure my brother were suddenly in the back seat too.
we drove through the parking lot, and he just sat nervous in the front seat.
he told me where to go to get out of the parking lot, and i tried...
and couldn't see...so i turned around and went my way out and it worked fine.

we were on the road
and taylor was teaching peter how to skate board,
when i waved at taylor he rolled my eyes and through the window i saw him mouth
"Ugh not this again..."
i turned the corner pulled the car into a driveway and said to my dad, brother and sister
that if i was going to deal with my dad now i might as well deal with the taylor thing to.
they got out of the car to sort of witness
what was happening and i yelled at them to go to the other side of the car so they couldn't see.
i told peter to do the same.
i yelled at taylor
told him he was a jerk,
and tried to slap him...unsuccessfully..
he said that he was sick of me trying to get back into his life.
that i was annoying,
and was always trying to match clothes with him. [weird i know.]
i said that that wasn't true.
it was beyond my control and i could't do anything about it.
just then two of my friends walked by...
[oh and it was magically summer when i saw taylor...fyi]
i told them to wait down by the corner until i was finished.


it ended with
me and taylor almost finishing our conversation.



i'm not saying that this is how i'm feeling
it was just strange to have,
so many words that i have wanted before
to be exchanged.




well...
onto saturday
with a new perspective.

oh and
i have no feelings for him now.

and that him.
is not taylor.



[end rant.]

[i am] love[d]

the rain speaks more words,
gathered and decisive, things
that i could not say










i have to come up with thirty nine lines of poetry
by monday.

[in the words of branden "I'm excited."]